the list

Must Haves
He must chew with his mouth closed. I should not have to be disgusted when watching you eat. I should be able to take you out in public. I learned manners. So should you.

He has to have comparable drinking habits. I'm Irish. I like my drinking, most of the time. I love red wine. So if I'm saying you drink too much, then you drink too much. And alcoholism holds a part in my family's history, so I'm not fucking around.

He has to want kids.

He has to like pets.

He has to be taller than me, preferably above 6 foot. Sorry, I'm a woman. And a woman should be able to wear heels and not have to slouch.

He has to have personal hygiene. You're a grown ass man, so if you don't shower you smell like....well, ass. Accept this. Brush your teeth or I won't kiss you. Wear deodorant or I won't want to be around you. Is this too much to ask?

He has to have a college education. And I'm not talking about an online degree. It doesn't matter who is smarter, but I need you to at least be on the same playing field.

He has to have passion. About something...anything.

He has to be financially responsible. I'm not asking that you have college funds for your nonexistent children, but I shouldn't have to balance your checkbook for you.

He preferably has some Irish and/or Scottish blood, but it is not required. If you have an accent I will remove my clothes immediately. Take me, I am yours.

He's adventurous and open. No, I'm not just addressing the bedroom. That just goes without saying. Who cares if you've never eaten Greek food before or you haven't ice skated since you were in grade school? Being in a long term relationship means spicing it up now and then. This includes new activities and hobbies. There is more to life than sitting in front of the TV.

He likes to do anything. I can have fun doing pretty much anything, except when I'm paired with the world's most snore worthy person. Having fun is easy. I shouldn't have to teach you how.

He has to enjoy cooking to some degree, or at least be open to being my sous chef. You don't have to be a top chef contender, but occasional assistance in the kitchen is needed.

He has to be able to locate Libya on a map. I'm sick of explaining every current event and pop culture reference. I don't expect a genius. I don't want to debate every last detail of politics. However, if we're bombing a country and it's been in the news for months, I shouldn't have to direct you to what continent you can find it in. I shouldn't have to explain half of the jokes in a Family Guy episode for God's sake.

He cleans up after himself. I am not your mother. You don't have to be an anal retentive clean freak. That's a bit much. If you use something, put it back when you're done. If you get something dirty, clean it up. Simple rules.

He has to be approximately the same age as me, or possibly older.

He is a man, not a boy. You'd think I would have covered this in the previous note. Alas, men's age does not directly correlate with their maturity level.

He knows that chivalry is not dead, but acknowledges that I can take care of myself.



Have Nots
No smoking. EVER. This is first and foremost, kinda like a cardinal rule. Let's just say I learned my lesson. No more compromising.

No hard drugs. Yes, I bent the rules a little here in Hawaii with the happy grass. I don't regret it and I'm certainly no hypocrite, but I have my standards goddamn it.

No earrings, plugs or otherwise. Stop trying to be cool. You're not impressing anyone.

No homophobes. My best friend just came out, or at least 60% of him did. I have two other gay best friends, all three from different times in my life. You can argue the finer points of the pros and cons of gay marriage, but you can't be a hater. And you may have to hang out with them.

No skeet shooting mothers. If I'm attending Christmas at your house and your mom receives a skeet shooting rifle, I am so gone.

No whining. I'm afraid this may eliminate the entire male species, but I'm going out on a limb here. Change your tampon and grow a pair! No one likes a whiner. It's unattractive and emasculating.

No hocking loogies. It's gross and uncouth.

No mama's boys.

No singing Bohemian Rhapsody (or any other nearly 8 minute long songs) at karaoke.

No skull t-shirts.

No Ed Hardy anything.

No small penises.

No flashing your goods around like a gay prostitute. Women do not find this enticing. Really unattractive.