january schmanuary

I just deleted an entirely eloquent and thorough post. It was my grand entrance back after months of silence, and while it kind of makes me mad to delete it, the last month of my life has been too personal to broadcast in detail. I'll be brief instead.

January has been a blur. It's been so tumultuous, in fact, that I'm glad to move on to February. The year 2013 has not favored me kindly so far...and as for the month of January? It may go eff itself, as far as I care. To sum it up, I was really sick. I went to the doctor, which is unusual for me, and then that night I found out my Grandma died. And in between all that? I worked a lot.

My health is now okay, but I am not. Not completely. Thankfully, I was able to make it back home for the service, but it's still rough. I'm a sensitive soul. We were close. This is not a wound that will heal quickly. Or ever. And seeing family for such a brief period of time was almost a tease. My parents, my sister and I were together again for the first time in years. It was natural and unnatural at the same time. My stay there was too short. It made it harder coming back. It made it harder not to want to move back.

The last time I visited Michigan, while completely different in planning and purpose, was much longer and fulfilling. Yet this time, despite my longing to visit with family and friends longer, I was still happy to see my island. I do feel a fondness for my tropical residence. I know now that my dread of landing on this rock last time was actually attributed to my dread of the "relationship" that I was returning to (to ultimately and officially end) and not Hawaii itself. It also makes a difference when there is someone you do actually love waiting to see you off that plane.

Unfortunately my renewed feelings toward Hawaii, as well as my residual fondness for the bleakness that is Michigan, only add to my frickin confusion. Why can't I have both???? Or a private jet at least...