Emily's preggers. (Yay!) The doctor's 95% sure it's a boy already. I'm going to be auntie to a little boy and I'm not even there. I wasn't there for the wedding and now I'm not going to be there again.
I'd say this is the story of my life, but I have to be grateful I was able to go back for my Grandma's funeral. I had that at least. But it would also be nice to be there to experience some of the life I'm missing out on too. And assuming I'll have children of my own someday (soonish), I can't help but think how ideal it would be for our kids to grow up knowing each other.
That's getting ahead of myself. Right now I just wish I could see her.
Showing posts with label Grandma. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Grandma. Show all posts
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Friday, March 8, 2013
deep thoughts by megan
Sometimes it's exhausting being me.
That sounds slightly (or completely) narcissistic, but I guess blogging itself is a narcissistic act so I'm already screwed in that respect. Who am I to assume you care about my various musings or opinions? Well, I certainly don't write in order to receive approval. Hell, I don't care who reads this, if anyone actually does...I just need to get it out. Out of my head, out of myself.
I still dwell on my visit back to Michigan. I feel like a normal person would have moved on by now, but my brain seems to live in constant overdrive. Rehashing, analyzing, and complicating experiences that have happened, are happening, or could happen to me. Maybe it's my OCD tendencies or maybe it's the fact that I seem to care a little too much, but it's quite exhausting, not to mention futile.
Or maybe this is just normal. I think it's underestimated just how much of a sap I am. I can't just forget the fact that my Grandma is gone. I can't act like I'm not homesick. I can't forget the conversation my Dad and I had while he was several scotches in and I was two martinis deep. I can't forget how much family and friends mean to me and how empty Hawaii (with the exception of Mike) makes me feel in comparison.
I have just never been able to come to terms with who I was then and who I am now. It's a love hate relationship with no reasonable solution. And at this point, the only answer is to figure out who I do and don't want to become.
Maybe that's where the answer lies.
That sounds slightly (or completely) narcissistic, but I guess blogging itself is a narcissistic act so I'm already screwed in that respect. Who am I to assume you care about my various musings or opinions? Well, I certainly don't write in order to receive approval. Hell, I don't care who reads this, if anyone actually does...I just need to get it out. Out of my head, out of myself.
I still dwell on my visit back to Michigan. I feel like a normal person would have moved on by now, but my brain seems to live in constant overdrive. Rehashing, analyzing, and complicating experiences that have happened, are happening, or could happen to me. Maybe it's my OCD tendencies or maybe it's the fact that I seem to care a little too much, but it's quite exhausting, not to mention futile.
Or maybe this is just normal. I think it's underestimated just how much of a sap I am. I can't just forget the fact that my Grandma is gone. I can't act like I'm not homesick. I can't forget the conversation my Dad and I had while he was several scotches in and I was two martinis deep. I can't forget how much family and friends mean to me and how empty Hawaii (with the exception of Mike) makes me feel in comparison.
I have just never been able to come to terms with who I was then and who I am now. It's a love hate relationship with no reasonable solution. And at this point, the only answer is to figure out who I do and don't want to become.
Maybe that's where the answer lies.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
january schmanuary
I just deleted an entirely eloquent and thorough post. It was my grand entrance back after months of silence, and while it kind of makes me mad to delete it, the last month of my life has been too personal to broadcast in detail. I'll be brief instead.
January has been a blur. It's been so tumultuous, in fact, that I'm glad to move on to February. The year 2013 has not favored me kindly so far...and as for the month of January? It may go eff itself, as far as I care. To sum it up, I was really sick. I went to the doctor, which is unusual for me, and then that night I found out my Grandma died. And in between all that? I worked a lot.
My health is now okay, but I am not. Not completely. Thankfully, I was able to make it back home for the service, but it's still rough. I'm a sensitive soul. We were close. This is not a wound that will heal quickly. Or ever. And seeing family for such a brief period of time was almost a tease. My parents, my sister and I were together again for the first time in years. It was natural and unnatural at the same time. My stay there was too short. It made it harder coming back. It made it harder not to want to move back.
The last time I visited Michigan, while completely different in planning and purpose, was much longer and fulfilling. Yet this time, despite my longing to visit with family and friends longer, I was still happy to see my island. I do feel a fondness for my tropical residence. I know now that my dread of landing on this rock last time was actually attributed to my dread of the "relationship" that I was returning to (to ultimately and officially end) and not Hawaii itself. It also makes a difference when there is someone you do actually love waiting to see you off that plane.
Unfortunately my renewed feelings toward Hawaii, as well as my residual fondness for the bleakness that is Michigan, only add to my frickin confusion. Why can't I have both???? Or a private jet at least...
January has been a blur. It's been so tumultuous, in fact, that I'm glad to move on to February. The year 2013 has not favored me kindly so far...and as for the month of January? It may go eff itself, as far as I care. To sum it up, I was really sick. I went to the doctor, which is unusual for me, and then that night I found out my Grandma died. And in between all that? I worked a lot.
My health is now okay, but I am not. Not completely. Thankfully, I was able to make it back home for the service, but it's still rough. I'm a sensitive soul. We were close. This is not a wound that will heal quickly. Or ever. And seeing family for such a brief period of time was almost a tease. My parents, my sister and I were together again for the first time in years. It was natural and unnatural at the same time. My stay there was too short. It made it harder coming back. It made it harder not to want to move back.
The last time I visited Michigan, while completely different in planning and purpose, was much longer and fulfilling. Yet this time, despite my longing to visit with family and friends longer, I was still happy to see my island. I do feel a fondness for my tropical residence. I know now that my dread of landing on this rock last time was actually attributed to my dread of the "relationship" that I was returning to (to ultimately and officially end) and not Hawaii itself. It also makes a difference when there is someone you do actually love waiting to see you off that plane.
Unfortunately my renewed feelings toward Hawaii, as well as my residual fondness for the bleakness that is Michigan, only add to my frickin confusion. Why can't I have both???? Or a private jet at least...
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