we've got the funk, or rather i do...

funk /fʌŋk/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [fuhngk]
–noun

2. a dejected mood: He's been in a funk ever since she walked out on him.

Yep, that is most definitely what is going on with me this week. I am in a funk. If I were actually on meds for depression like I should be, I would have to consider having my dosage upped. But alas, I am not medicated. Instead I get to battle the constant nagging belief that my life (read: me) is pathetic and inferior and worthless. I never understand what brings these bouts on. Normally I am happy-go-lucky and love my life. Maybe I have Seasonal Anxiety Disorder because of the crappy weather? Maybe the neurosis brought on by dating someone has culminated into full on funkiness? Maybe I'm just stressed out and homesick?

In any case, this funk has affected my desire to write. I want to blog. The ability is still there and I have much to blog about. I have been inundated by the same persistent thoughts night after night. The only problem is I don't want to verbalize them. Maybe capturing them in blog form would make them real. Maybe I don't want to deal with them yet. Maybe I don't want them out there for others to see. Not sure.

Every time I'm in a funk I get introspective. And it becomes all-consuming. Sometimes I feel like my life has already been written. It's a 27 year old dusty novel on a bookshelf somewhere, except I've become misguided and unintentionally rewritten it, thinking I know better. That's the only explanation for feeling as though nothing has gone according to plan. Teaching was never in the cards. Neither was Hawaii. Me being bitter and alone? Never. Why would that ever have been my fate considering how capable of loving I am? I was never supposed to be stuck in a career with little future in a dying economy given my intellect and love of learning. Clearly something went wrong. And now I am left trying to tie up this chapter so that I can somehow transition myself into the next authentic one.

It's been so long since I've been in a relationship, and I use that term loosely. I have no idea of the exact parameters of whatever it is that I'm in right now, mainly because I'm just not that girl. I'm not going to pass a note that says check yes or no if you're my boyfriend. If you're both equipped with enough common sense, the "discussion" is usually deemed unnecessary. Yet I've found myself in this new relationship-ish deal after being single for quite a long time. I realize the singleness was more intentional than I thought. Now I'm reminded of all the excitement of being in something fresh and new and unknown. However, I'm also suddenly brought back to the annoyance of what I escaped a couple years ago. Turns out I was more scarred from that asshole than I thought.