i've got a preposition for you...

My growing suspicion is that I'm calling my Mom too much. Or at least I'm suspecting she thinks I am. How much is too much when you're approaching 30 and having a life crisis? I can't keep inundating my friends here with all my issues. That seems selfish and unfair. Plus, it's just redundant. My problems remain constant and there's nothing worse than a broken record. My friends back home are too far away to fill in on every detail, so they just end up lost and disinterested. And who else can you call when absolutely bored while walking to work? Okay, probably a lot of people.

I need to stop. Hopefully the blogging of late will fill my need to get these things off my chest.

And now, time for bed. I think I'm too tired to be writing at the moment. I've attempted sentence after sentence, all ending with prepositions. Not my finest literary moment. I'll probably edit the hell out of this tomorrow.

Goodnight all!

there's no place like home

I visited home for Christmas. My first time back since moving three years ago. Notice how I refer to Michigan as home. That's no slip of the tongue. Not to do Hawaii an injustice, but I've always felt tentative here and I've finally realized that's no way to live life. It's not really something that's going to change either. Hell, I still live partially out of my suitcase. I hold off on buying expensive bulky items (furniture, car, etc...) because of the unspoken knowledge that I'll just have to sell it or ship it when I get fed up and move back. The future constantly consumes me as I get older and what I see of my life here, I don't like.

For two weeks I was again immersed in my own world, feeling as though the last three years on this rock have been some sort of alternate reality. Not dreamlike, but just like I pushed pause on my Michigan life to go live another one, only to return and hit play. And when I did, I felt as if I found the me that got left behind three years ago. To avoid cheesy cliches I won't say I found myself, but there is an assured confidence and comfort that comes along with being surrounded by your own history. I've certainly been no wallflower here in Hawaii, but the majority of the time I present the generic version of myself for others. Edit the quirks, check the opinions, make sure conversation is relevant. Back home, I have the balls to throw myself out there, judgment be damned.

As my flight approached the city lights of Honolulu earlier this month, I realized the dread I felt in line at security in Detroit's airport was not merely due to a reluctance to say goodbye to my parents...again. It was a distinct dread of returning back to my life here. And it's only getting worse. There is something life-affirming in a realization so strong. I pity those who complacently go through life. Knowing what I need and want to do is comforting and gives purpose, even if making it happen won't be easy. It may suck but at least I'm not lost.

we've got the funk, or rather i do...

funk /fʌŋk/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [fuhngk]
–noun

2. a dejected mood: He's been in a funk ever since she walked out on him.

Yep, that is most definitely what is going on with me this week. I am in a funk. If I were actually on meds for depression like I should be, I would have to consider having my dosage upped. But alas, I am not medicated. Instead I get to battle the constant nagging belief that my life (read: me) is pathetic and inferior and worthless. I never understand what brings these bouts on. Normally I am happy-go-lucky and love my life. Maybe I have Seasonal Anxiety Disorder because of the crappy weather? Maybe the neurosis brought on by dating someone has culminated into full on funkiness? Maybe I'm just stressed out and homesick?

In any case, this funk has affected my desire to write. I want to blog. The ability is still there and I have much to blog about. I have been inundated by the same persistent thoughts night after night. The only problem is I don't want to verbalize them. Maybe capturing them in blog form would make them real. Maybe I don't want to deal with them yet. Maybe I don't want them out there for others to see. Not sure.

Every time I'm in a funk I get introspective. And it becomes all-consuming. Sometimes I feel like my life has already been written. It's a 27 year old dusty novel on a bookshelf somewhere, except I've become misguided and unintentionally rewritten it, thinking I know better. That's the only explanation for feeling as though nothing has gone according to plan. Teaching was never in the cards. Neither was Hawaii. Me being bitter and alone? Never. Why would that ever have been my fate considering how capable of loving I am? I was never supposed to be stuck in a career with little future in a dying economy given my intellect and love of learning. Clearly something went wrong. And now I am left trying to tie up this chapter so that I can somehow transition myself into the next authentic one.

It's been so long since I've been in a relationship, and I use that term loosely. I have no idea of the exact parameters of whatever it is that I'm in right now, mainly because I'm just not that girl. I'm not going to pass a note that says check yes or no if you're my boyfriend. If you're both equipped with enough common sense, the "discussion" is usually deemed unnecessary. Yet I've found myself in this new relationship-ish deal after being single for quite a long time. I realize the singleness was more intentional than I thought. Now I'm reminded of all the excitement of being in something fresh and new and unknown. However, I'm also suddenly brought back to the annoyance of what I escaped a couple years ago. Turns out I was more scarred from that asshole than I thought.

nike said it best

During my adventures to and from the optometrist earlier this weekend I had the opportunity to do quite a bit of thinking. I have no clue how or why these moments strike me, but it's as though my life had frozen and I realized where exactly I was in the "big picture." A little over a year ago when I not only quieted my internal struggle by deciding to move to Hawaii, but I actually followed through and did it, I had no understanding of the ramifications of that decision. I had no way of knowing. And, when making that decision, I knew this. I knew the only way to find myself here was to just do it...without overthinking it.

So I did. And the circumstances that I found myself in a year ago are monumentally different from where I find myself now. Life amazes me sometimes in that way. Usually I'm distracted by day-to-day life, but when I'm left communicating this to my counterparts 8,000 miles away, I realize the enormity of what I've done.

I miss everything about home, but rarely realize how much until I'm left pondering the details. Yet I'm content here. There's the financial aspect of it all, which has been the bottom line throughout this experience. Sad, but money is what dictates our lives. Then there's the emotional/mental realizations I've gone through. I've got something good here. Not sure whether it's of the permanent variety, but for now my life is solid. And that has been something I've been striving for since I couldn't even tell you when. And for now, I'm okay with that.

what doesn't kill us makes us stronger

If nothing else, my life is definitely far from boring. I am now a wandering nomad. I miraculously pulled off not being homeless. Although I have no where to call my own, I am not sleeping under the neighborhood bus stop, which is something to be grateful for. A lot has changed in the last month. My plans have had to be readjusted multiple times to the point where I'm not sure there is a plan any longer. I know I can't move back in my current financial state. My only other real options are to rent a car and commute from Ko Olina or use the next ten days to peruse craigslist for a temporary living situation (which is mildly disconcerting and uncomfortable, to say the least). Neither of which is completely satisfactory.

Oy vey.

P.S. Happy New Year.

my name is nuwanda

Given the economic status of today, figuring out how to find a fulfilling and profitable career is showing to be quite the dilemma for a lot of my educated friends. Many of them resort to a job outside their degree in order to pay bills. They're unhappy. Their intellectual potential is left untapped. I happen to be one of these individuals. Teaching wasn't possible in Michigan. An English major can be useful if you know the right people, but also vague if you don't. Scholastic achievement doesn't factor in as much as it used to when you're dealing with competition that has connections. This is old news.

One of my favorite movies is Dead Poet's Society.



Before I actually saw it, I never gave the title much thought. I don't know why. The title should have naturally appealed to me. When I finally viewed it, I fell in love. It invokes every reason I became an English major. Although it's obviously a movie, and therefore fictional, the passion that is displayed by so many characters is exactly what I have experienced so many times. It can be real.

I have had the privilege of being academically capable of excelling in every area of curriculum throughout my education. Perhaps I'm spoiled. I could have been a physical therapist (although not a doctor, I don't think I was ever equipped with the necessary patience or tenacity) like I started out to be, but the passion was never there. Chemistry isn't inspiring, at least not to me. Words, literature, English, language, music, humor, romance, passion...that is what life is made of.

These are my inclinations. And they always have been. However, these inclinations don't exactly draw the job offers or the moulah. So here lies the dilemma. I could be John Keating. I could be Mr. Brandt. It's not the money that necessarily appeals to me. Surely I have made that clear. I only wish to be able to pay my rent and live within my means while still being able to tolerate what I do for a living. My means are not that complicated. If I knew the opportunities were there, if I knew I could live up to my own expectations, I would do it in a second.