missing my emchilee

Emily's preggers. (Yay!) The doctor's 95% sure it's a boy already. I'm going to be auntie to a little boy and I'm not even there. I wasn't there for the wedding and now I'm not going to be there again.

I'd say this is the story of my life, but I have to be grateful I was able to go back for my Grandma's funeral. I had that at least. But it would also be nice to be there to experience some of the life I'm missing out on too. And assuming I'll have children of my own someday (soonish), I can't help but think how ideal it would be for our kids to grow up knowing each other.

That's getting ahead of myself. Right now I just wish I could see her.

wish i was going to the chapel today

Emily got married today.

It kills me that I wasn't there. And yet somehow I feel like I'm being overly dramatic. I texted Andy and my brother from another mother about taking extra pictures and I felt as though I was overstepping my bounds. Or just being needy. Or exhausting.

I'm viewed as an important guest that just couldn't make it. Not as the best friend that tried their hardest to be there, but had to pay their rent instead. Then again, I'm not even standing up in the damn thing.

Let's be clear. Emily will be my maid of honor. Strike that, now matron of honor.

Friendship has changed for me out here. Not so much the definition, just the quantity and quality, which is why I still value certain friendships so highly after all this time.

i remember when men gave her clammy hands

Emily's wedding is at the end of this month. I have been looking forward to this for months, setting aside bits of cash in order to make it happen. Not to give the impression that I've ever been one of those girls to daydream over those nauseating details of which color pink and what kind of lace to choose. I'm much more practical when it comes to envisioning my own nuptials. But were I in Michigan, I would have been more than willing to participate in wedding planning with her. The simple fact that I won't be there to see it kills me.

I would have loved to have Mike go with me, to show him off and have him meet all the people near and dear to me, but that was never really feasible. And now it seems that my attendance isn't feasible either.

The rsvp was due at the beginning of this month and, despite knowing for quite some time that I couldn't attend, I just couldn't bring myself to mail that definitive "no" to her. I kept hoping for something, for this hurts me more than she knows. Somehow, it's harder to take than anything else I've missed out on living this far from the world I knew. I didn't want to disappoint...or possibly I was afraid that I was more disappointed than she.

I love Hawaii, but at this point I'm almost resenting it for keeping me so far from the things that mean so much to me. I don't want to live in Michigan, but I don't want to live somewhere where I feel cut off either.