i'm only half kidding

At this point, I would be willing to move to Iceland if it meant never seeing another cockroach for the rest of my existence.

sexy ladies do not put this song on repeat

It's official. I need to move out of this apartment. My neighbor has Gangnam Style blaring on repeat and it is not acceptable.

WHY????

life is an awfully big adventure

I really need to get out of this funk, or this state, if I ever want to blog consistently again. Okay, perhaps that's a tad extreme. I mean, I do love Hawaii. Leaving here would not be nearly as easy as I make it out to be, especially because it's so hard to make it back. And we do have memories here.

I'm just ready for change in my life. I'm ready for another adventure. And I'm excited for Mike and I to have that adventure together. In the meantime it's work work work, and while I enjoy my job (if only for my coworkers) it's not enough to fulfill me. I think we can have a better life together somewhere else. It's just a struggle to have patience as we try to make that happen.

And that just removes any desire I have to write. Instead I just internalize lol.

Very healthy, I know.

a lot of change will do you good

Last year sucked, with the exception of finding the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, but this year has slowly been looking up. Taking that into account, I am now in the position to view the future a little more hopefully. Not that I'm not a hopeful individual normally. It's just that maybe my hopes seem a little more probable now.

Mike and I have had several emotional discussions involving our future and what exactly we want that to be. Of course there is a certain amount of compromise involved, as with any relationship, but, for the most part, we are on the same page. I am pretty resolute on not settling down here in Hawaii. Not that I don't love it here. But when it comes to locations on the mainland compromise plays a huge part.

Compromise is a funny thing. It's necessary in maintaining peace, but it never has a positive connotation. Neither party will ever admit it, but it means that no one is entirely happy. Of course, when it comes to love, happiness can also be gained from seeing your significant other happy. When it comes to your choice for where to eat dinner it's a little less significant than more pressing life choices. And it seems that with larger choices, like where to buy a house and raise a family, that even with compromise somebody is always a little more satisfied than the other.

In this case, I'm not sure who that is?

Mike has said that he'd be happy staying in Hawaii. He's also said he's open to moving. He also loves me and would honestly move to the moon if I wanted. Which sounds completely awesome, in theory, if only I weren't willing to do anything to see him happy. So we compromise. I get to be on the mainland, within a plane ticket to my parents and a long car ride to my sister. I get seasons. We're also relatively close to his family, when and if we ever decide to venture down that crazy road. Plus, he gets to be a California resident again. (He's also super stoked about my attaining that status. I'm just sort of whatever about it lol.) It's exciting and clearly just in the discussion phase still, but it's a more serious discussion than it would have been a year ago. And that's something. Hopefully a year from now it'll be even more real.

So what does everyone think of South Lake Tahoe?????

torn just like poor natalie imbruglia

One of my biggest beefs with Hawaii is how transient so many people are here. People tend to largely fall into one of two categories. Either you're born and raised here in the islands, and therefore because of family ties, you plan on living in Hawaii for the rest of your life. Or you move from the mainland, and despite how engrossed you become with the culture and the lifestyle, you eventually move back (some more willingly than others) home, or within some vicinity of home. There are other instances, but when you're surrounded by these situations constantly it seems a bit...well, constant.

This attributes to my desire to move. I hate to fall into one of the two stereotypes, but it's difficult making close connections only to come in second best to an extended ohana or, worse, witness close friends moving after just discovering a kindred spirit.

When someone declares they're moving back to the mainland we initially tend to berate them for ditching the island, when in reality the rest of us mainlanders will readily admit to planning the same move at some point. Although it seems hypocritical, it's not really. Just proves how torn we all are.

In the last month I've found it increasingly harder to leave Hawaii. Whether this is because August is looming a little closer or because I have a different perspective after getting out of a shitty and burdensome relationship...I don't know. Maybe both? I've reverted back to tourist mode, taking cheesy up-close pictures of a hibiscus flower or two. I suppose I would be concerned if I was indifferent about leaving, but it gives me reason to pause. My reasons for leaving are resolute, but I still wonder if I'm not yet done here.

me single; you confused

Guess what came in my mailbox today???????? A package.

Guess what was in the package???? The power cord for my laptop, thank the Lord. That was a looooooong two weeks without technology. But alas, sanity has been restored.

Remember the time I thought I was single? Apparently my life can't be that simple. A conversation in which we establish that I no longer have feelings for him only leads to him (desperately) inviting me to join him in the shower over a week later. When you're occupying the same tiny one bedroom apartment and you work together, it's hard to establish boundaries. Yet I still find myself left to establish the obvious. Like the fact that he won't be moving back to Michigan with me. Silly me, I thought that one was beyond explanation.

Me moving. You stay.

Perhaps speaking like Tanto would help me in this situation?

match.com can suck donkey balls

There's a commercial on TV right now for one of those online dating sites boasting all the "real" couples that they've created. I get depressed when watching it. The couples are pictured doing all sorts of things. Strolling the beach and getting knocked around by the ocean, dating outside, kissing underwater in a pool. Throw in some snorkeling, horseback riding, and salsa dancing and you're good.

So while watching this commercial I get uncomfortable. My relationship isn't bad. I understand why these commercials are designed. It's like holding your favorite romantic comedy as your ideal relationship standard. But the glaring fact that he doesn't want to do ANYTHING EVER is kind of a killjoy. I understand that the majority of life's moments aren't going to involve skydiving or adrenaline of any kind. There's a nice simplicity in that, but I personally don't love the TV and couch that much. I like a little adventure.

While watching this commercial they sell me for just a second. That maybe my love isn't as good cause I'm not hiking a mountain everyday.

Yet when he's watching he gets all romantic and snuggly. Our reaction is like night and day. He's all proud of me, like we've got something even better. But why can't he just get motivated to get off his ass once in a while? I've expressed my desire to get to the beach in the last month after we moved, and yet nothing. I know he works so much right now and I don't want my appreciation for that to be lost, but isn't that all the more reason to live?

back with a vengeance?

I'm back. After a several month long hiatus, I'm not quite sure as to how "back" I am yet. Perhaps I just feel the need this one night. I am left physically exhausted by the day but mentally alert. I know I need to write more often. I know that. And I have often felt the urge, just not the motivation. Or perhaps it's the other way around? I mean well, I swear.

The thought of writing a recap of the last few months is disgusting at the moment. The details of my life are often too much for me to handle, so I shall spare you. Suffice it to say that I have extricated myself from the unsatisfactory living situation. I am the inhabitant of a house for the second time in my life, even if it still is a rental. I'm now living on the windward side, which is a hugely welcome change. The drive is not that much of a hassle.

Chores are becoming an issue. There is a monstrous pile of dishes in the kitchen. Every plate and bowl in the house is dirty and stacked 2 feet high. After being unofficially dubbed the mother of the house, I refuse to tackle the majority of them. I went on a cleaning spree a few days ago, so my share of household duties have more than been fulfilled as far as I'm concerned. And yet the dishes are untouched. I have to draw the line somewhere.

I went in search of a bowl, figuring I could handle washing just one, and discovered that mold has taken a deathly grip on the mile high pile. The dry-heaving set in and I had to exit the kitchen immediately.

After one roommate left for Minnesota for 3 weeks, I am left in a house with men. And Lord knows, men don't know how to clean.

nike said it best

During my adventures to and from the optometrist earlier this weekend I had the opportunity to do quite a bit of thinking. I have no clue how or why these moments strike me, but it's as though my life had frozen and I realized where exactly I was in the "big picture." A little over a year ago when I not only quieted my internal struggle by deciding to move to Hawaii, but I actually followed through and did it, I had no understanding of the ramifications of that decision. I had no way of knowing. And, when making that decision, I knew this. I knew the only way to find myself here was to just do it...without overthinking it.

So I did. And the circumstances that I found myself in a year ago are monumentally different from where I find myself now. Life amazes me sometimes in that way. Usually I'm distracted by day-to-day life, but when I'm left communicating this to my counterparts 8,000 miles away, I realize the enormity of what I've done.

I miss everything about home, but rarely realize how much until I'm left pondering the details. Yet I'm content here. There's the financial aspect of it all, which has been the bottom line throughout this experience. Sad, but money is what dictates our lives. Then there's the emotional/mental realizations I've gone through. I've got something good here. Not sure whether it's of the permanent variety, but for now my life is solid. And that has been something I've been striving for since I couldn't even tell you when. And for now, I'm okay with that.

what doesn't kill us makes us stronger

If nothing else, my life is definitely far from boring. I am now a wandering nomad. I miraculously pulled off not being homeless. Although I have no where to call my own, I am not sleeping under the neighborhood bus stop, which is something to be grateful for. A lot has changed in the last month. My plans have had to be readjusted multiple times to the point where I'm not sure there is a plan any longer. I know I can't move back in my current financial state. My only other real options are to rent a car and commute from Ko Olina or use the next ten days to peruse craigslist for a temporary living situation (which is mildly disconcerting and uncomfortable, to say the least). Neither of which is completely satisfactory.

Oy vey.

P.S. Happy New Year.

randomness

Alright, there's no way to avoid this being random, so I may as well embrace it...

The last 5 days of Buca have been utterly exhausting and, in all ways, unbearable. I can't say I didn't make money, but it certainly wasn't worth tolerating the horror that was Christmas Eve followed by the insanity that was the power outage. At least now I have some time off in order to recuperate and manage my life.

Ironically enough, now that I do have some time to take care of these necessities, I've developed a sore throat. And in the world of Megan and her health, this means that I'm getting sick. It's inevitable. Super.

As a result of my crazy workweek, I bought new work shoes. I attribute half of my complaints to the fact that my work shoes sucked. This was no surprise, as I bought them on sale at Payless for five dollars. I thought I just needed something to get me through a week or two, but alas, I am in Hawaii longer than I thought. So I invested in some Crocs. That's right. I'm a convert.

I have to be moved out of this apartment by Wednesday. Although I have no idea as to exactly how this will take place, it must be done. And much cleaning will be involved. It may be a hassle, but I have no hesitation in bidding farewell to the Nazi douche bag that frequently haunts the front desk. More on him later. He's a story, in and of itself.

Seriously, this sore throat is a bitch. My sleeping habits better not be affected. I need to pass out in that beautiful bed of mine as soon as my sheets are done in the dryer. Insomnia has taken it's toll enough on me this week.

I need to call my Mom.

I need to purchase a new camera.

I need a decent internet connection.

I think I lost 5 pounds.