what a difference a year makes...

I have officially been spoiled rotten by my man in 2013.  

Well, at least by my standards.  You have to keep in mind that this is coming from a girl whose previous relationships were...well, less than stellar.  A hot date in my early twenties was Wendy's.  Or, for special occasions, TGIFriday's.  Yes, I was a lucky lucky girl.  

And now I have someone who is just as generous as I am.  Not that I'm simplifying it to that.  I just have a very different life now as opposed to an impoverished college student dating an impoverished college student, both of which were plugging along in the industry.  (Among other unimpressive relationships that don't even enter on the radar.)  Blatantly put, Mike and I worked very hard to be where we are, which is a much better place than where we struggled to be out of over a year ago.  

I can now write freely.  Literally.  My archaic laptop is an item of the past.  I am now mobile and can blog where I want and do so unobtrusively.

2014 will be amazing in so many ways.  We've been members of 24 hour fitness for almost a month now.  Surprisingly, I was the main driving force behind that one.  Big adult life decisions!  I believe I've actually openly proclaimed that I would never be a "gym person" and now I find myself SLOWLY on the way to becoming one.  What can I say, the last couple years have lead me to make several healthy decisions in many ways.  And reinvigorating that competitive nature within has kinda done wonders.  

I'm finally excited for life and where things will take us.  Our relationship has been through some pretty unorthodox things, but maybe that's why we are where we are.  

 

You and me baby, until the wheels fall off.

if you build it, she will come

I'm watching Field of Dreams, which is always a classic despite having Kevin Costner in it, and I really want my own baseball field. In my backyard. How awesome would that be??? Okay, so I haven't picked up a glove in years, but mostly because I left it in Michigan. But I would never get bored. And let's face it, I'd probably be skinnier.

I just love that it's about the love of the game though. I miss feeling that. "The sounds, the smells...," as Shoeless Joe says.

i'd write my own jungle book!

My traveling aspirations have remained the same for years: 1. I will go to Ireland before I die. And, God willing, if I can afford to be any more particular than that, I would like to be there more than a week. And possibly hit Scotland up as well. They are my people too, apparently even more so than the Irish. 2. Greece fascinates me, Santorini specifically. I also think it would make a fascinating and exotic honeymoon. 3. And despite myself, I would love to traipse around Germany and/or Austria. If not, just to practice my German. And drink beer. And wear lederhosen while visiting Neuschwanstein.

Granted, if I had unlimited funds I would travel the world. No limits. Fjords in Norway...authentic ramen and sushi in Japan...quaint French countryside...the streets of Rio de Janiero...poutine in Quebec...Prague...New Zealand...Morocco...Cairo...Hong Kong...Singapore...

If all that doesn't happen, I will still die happy. But I'd like to officially add India as #4 on my list. For some reason, the word "fascinate" comes to mind again, but in a different way. I am devoutly Christian, but India has a certain spirituality (organized religion aside) that speaks to all. The food would be endlessly exciting. And who doesn't love elephants and monkeys???

makin babies

My sister messaged me this morning telling me she had a very vivid dream in which I was pregnant. And then proceeded to ask me if there was anything that I needed to tell her.

Uhhhhh...

I know I'm 31 years old and my biological clock is a tickin, but now my pregnancy dreams have graduated from my subconscious to my sister's?

Mike just needs to make an honest woman out of me already so we can get on with makin the babies.

edumacation

Several years ago, shortly before I moved to Hawaii, I can remember being in the Starbucks on Hall Road having a discussion with my Mother over coffee and a crossword. (I have many fond memories of that Starbucks.) She used the phrase "if you go back to school" and I was deeply offended. You see, it was never a question for me. Of course I was going to go back to grad school, it was just a matter of when I would be able to afford it.

And then life happened.

Here I am, so many years later and thousands of miles away still wrestling with the same dilemma. I still want it. And while, on a daily basis, I doubt if that's in the cards for me, I still believe that's what I'm meant to be doing. I've made this so entirely clear to Mike that I now realize that once the moment where a Master's degree is a possibility for me presents itself I may have no idea what I want to do.

It's never as easy as it being about what I want to do. And there's a certain amount of fear involved. I'm self aware enough to know that. I've already spent how many tens of thousands of dollars on a degree, and a good degree at that, and how many thousands more in student loans that I'm still paying off...and for what? What if I choose the wrong program and find myself in the same situation?

I've been told by multiple sources that a graduate degree does the opposite of what your bachelor's does, meaning it opens more doors and therefore jobs for you rather than limiting you. But how do I know? How do I know what fields will be hiring? What careers pay well? And, more importantly, what job will fulfill me professionally?

the only reason i love my job

I love my coworkers. The end.

missing my emchilee

Emily's preggers. (Yay!) The doctor's 95% sure it's a boy already. I'm going to be auntie to a little boy and I'm not even there. I wasn't there for the wedding and now I'm not going to be there again.

I'd say this is the story of my life, but I have to be grateful I was able to go back for my Grandma's funeral. I had that at least. But it would also be nice to be there to experience some of the life I'm missing out on too. And assuming I'll have children of my own someday (soonish), I can't help but think how ideal it would be for our kids to grow up knowing each other.

That's getting ahead of myself. Right now I just wish I could see her.

i'm only half kidding

At this point, I would be willing to move to Iceland if it meant never seeing another cockroach for the rest of my existence.

deep thoughts by megan

Sometimes it's exhausting being me.

That sounds slightly (or completely) narcissistic, but I guess blogging itself is a narcissistic act so I'm already screwed in that respect. Who am I to assume you care about my various musings or opinions? Well, I certainly don't write in order to receive approval. Hell, I don't care who reads this, if anyone actually does...I just need to get it out. Out of my head, out of myself.

I still dwell on my visit back to Michigan. I feel like a normal person would have moved on by now, but my brain seems to live in constant overdrive. Rehashing, analyzing, and complicating experiences that have happened, are happening, or could happen to me. Maybe it's my OCD tendencies or maybe it's the fact that I seem to care a little too much, but it's quite exhausting, not to mention futile.

Or maybe this is just normal. I think it's underestimated just how much of a sap I am. I can't just forget the fact that my Grandma is gone. I can't act like I'm not homesick. I can't forget the conversation my Dad and I had while he was several scotches in and I was two martinis deep. I can't forget how much family and friends mean to me and how empty Hawaii (with the exception of Mike) makes me feel in comparison.

I have just never been able to come to terms with who I was then and who I am now. It's a love hate relationship with no reasonable solution. And at this point, the only answer is to figure out who I do and don't want to become.

Maybe that's where the answer lies.

mmmhmm

Anyone ever use Mederma for their scars? Cause that's what I'm depending on to save my girls from permanent disfiguration.

Shit better work.

the counter is calling my name

The dieting's getting old and I'm sick of being hungry all the freakin time. I must stay strong though! Once we acquire some new running shoes I might be able to get past this plateau I've been stuck on. Yes, it's great that I fit into my clothes much better. And yes, it's great to see progress, but when it stops suddenly and you're still starving your butt off every day...

Well, it just really makes me want a cheeseburger from The Counter. Oh, and those parmesan truffle fries.

What??? Not like I'm gonna do it. Besides, they're closed.

lesson learned

You learn something new every day, right? Well, today I was the victim of a tragic accident involving nudity, a curling iron, and an imaginary cockroach. I'll just let your imagination fill in the gaps for a minute.

Needless to say, burning yourself with something that hot on skin that delicate is not something I ever wish to repeat. It's just so damn hot in Hawaii.

Lord help me, my boob better not scar.

chunky little butts

Lately I feel like Lucy likes Mike more than she likes me. And while I've managed to joke about it in front of him, it actually really bothers me.

Most of the time I attribute this to the fact that I play "bad cop" more often than he does lately. I yell at her for scratching. Scratching the couch, the bed frame, the screens...you name it. I squirt her with my nifty little water bottle for jumping on the nightstand, which she now knows is a no-no, but yet does anyway. She's an insolent teenager trapped in an incredibly cute cat's body apparently. And I feel like my regular litter box emptying is completely unappreciated and does nothing to warrant me fuzzy feline affection.

It's not that Mike isn't involved in taking care of her. He is every bit of parent as I am. He helps out with emptying the litter once in a while and will clean out the box when it needs it. It's just that he's a heavier sleeper, so by nighttime, when most of the water bottle action takes place, he's out cold while I'm left to deter her from her rebellious habits. Therefore making me bad cop. He's better at feeding her, making him good cop.

Cats are incapable of evaluating these differences. Maybe I should just start sneaking her treats to win over her affections?

If only she wasn't already a chunky little butt. Chunky little butts don't get extra treats. I should know. Mike and I are both dieting right now.

sexy ladies do not put this song on repeat

It's official. I need to move out of this apartment. My neighbor has Gangnam Style blaring on repeat and it is not acceptable.

WHY????

dietary willpower

Mike and I are dieting...hard core.

It was time lol.

So no carbs, starches, sugars (okay, so we bend a little bit on sugars occasionally) and no soda. Butter is obviously limited or eliminated altogether in favor of olive oil. And once in a blue moon, I'll break down and have a teensy portion of potatoes with my two eggs and turkey bacon once a week. Leave me alone, I'm Irish and besides, I'm only human. For the most part it's strict city though.

I am accustomed to this severe of a diet, but he is not. He misses bread, but on his behalf, he never had to do this in the past. Kinda hard to be a fatty when you're in the Army. He could eat complete crap because of how much he exercised. You know, the total opposite of my lifelong lifestyle.

nothing like snuggling up and reading a book

I have made two really awesome conclusions tonight.

Conslusion one: I need to buy another blanket. I've always loved the one we have on our bed. It's the perfect amount of coziness and simplicity, but at this time of year, I'm exhausted by dragging it's coziness back and forth to the couch. I've resisted buying another one thus far because I just don't use it the other half of the year, but I think after this evening I am giving in...

Conclusion two: No more buying books for me until I actually finish at least three of the novels I have hiding in the closet. Don't ask me how I've accumulated this many books in Hawaii, especially considering I don't have a bookshelf, but I can't possibly consider getting more without eliminating at least a few. Some of them are buys and some I've just plain accumulated, but at this point, I need to pare it down a bit before I can indulge at Barnes and Noble anymore (I still mourn the loss the of Borders...). For the most part, it just requires finishing something I've already started, but I'll man up either way.

january schmanuary

I just deleted an entirely eloquent and thorough post. It was my grand entrance back after months of silence, and while it kind of makes me mad to delete it, the last month of my life has been too personal to broadcast in detail. I'll be brief instead.

January has been a blur. It's been so tumultuous, in fact, that I'm glad to move on to February. The year 2013 has not favored me kindly so far...and as for the month of January? It may go eff itself, as far as I care. To sum it up, I was really sick. I went to the doctor, which is unusual for me, and then that night I found out my Grandma died. And in between all that? I worked a lot.

My health is now okay, but I am not. Not completely. Thankfully, I was able to make it back home for the service, but it's still rough. I'm a sensitive soul. We were close. This is not a wound that will heal quickly. Or ever. And seeing family for such a brief period of time was almost a tease. My parents, my sister and I were together again for the first time in years. It was natural and unnatural at the same time. My stay there was too short. It made it harder coming back. It made it harder not to want to move back.

The last time I visited Michigan, while completely different in planning and purpose, was much longer and fulfilling. Yet this time, despite my longing to visit with family and friends longer, I was still happy to see my island. I do feel a fondness for my tropical residence. I know now that my dread of landing on this rock last time was actually attributed to my dread of the "relationship" that I was returning to (to ultimately and officially end) and not Hawaii itself. It also makes a difference when there is someone you do actually love waiting to see you off that plane.

Unfortunately my renewed feelings toward Hawaii, as well as my residual fondness for the bleakness that is Michigan, only add to my frickin confusion. Why can't I have both???? Or a private jet at least...