Sometimes I feel the perspective on my life is skewed. I think it has something to do with self-preservation. The easiest way to deal with my current situation is to only look at my current situation. To look at how life has been, to look at how it could be right now, to look at how it will be, would be irrelevant and futile. I can do nothing, at least for now. So what would be the point of dwelling on anything else??
That's not to say my alternatives are peachy keen. My life before I moved was not fulfilling. I have good reason to be here and I have no regrets.
But at this time of year, post-birthday and inching nearer toward Christmas every day, I find myself wondering how my heart led me to such a predicament. I am a homebody. As much as I want to envision myself as a independent city girl, I am a homebody at heart. And at this time of year I am incapable of stifling that part of myself. I am a Christmas fanatic. I start breaking out the holiday CD's mid-September. It is my sole duty to assemble, decorate, and perfect each year's Christmas tree. My parents only contribution is DJing and bartending (the "Christmas Drink" recipe was closely guarded for years during my youth and, although it now features rum, was also obviously non-alcoholic at that time). Now I'm left to wonder if the tree is even up yet. My Mom is busy working and driving up to Canada to take care of my Grandma, which is a definite priority. My Dad also works and has an incurable lack of Christmas cheer until the 24th. Last I asked, the tree had not yet made it's grand entrance into the household. Even if it had, I'm sure I would not approve of the haphazard manner in which my Mom adorned it.
I watch holiday movies chock full of the ideal Christmas settings and I am envious of what I see. I play my newly downloaded barrage of Christmas music classics (Bing Crosby, Dean Martin, Mannheim Steamroller, Home Alone, among others) and my heart aches because I am without the accompanying comforts they have always assured me. I have no spirit surrounding me. I have no snow falling gently outside my window. I have no family joining in the festivities with me. I have no one to bake with or for. I have no traditions to uphold. I have nothing that I have been yearning for this month. And as much as I enjoy the pleasure these songs bring me, I am left bitter and unsatisfied.
Perhaps I am overreacting. I have no doubt about this. Life will, as they say, go on. There will be other Christmases. There will be other holidays. In fact, I don't have to question that. A year from now I will know not to put myself in a situation like this. I will be able to visit home not long from now. I have learned, which is a blessing to have in life...a privilege even. Others can be doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over.
I know my parents don't know how I feel. Maybe they have never been in a situation to view life like I have. Maybe it's my fault for being inable to express it. Mom knows my affinity for the season, but for some reason she's never properly understood my thought processes...about anything.
P.S. I'm enjoying Muppet Christmas Carol and I have concluded that Beaker and the Swedish Chef are tied for my all time favorite muppet characters.
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